Baby brain

One of the biggest struggles I have had since I left Newcastle last week is knowing that having a baby of my own is seeming more and more like an unobtainable dream. All I’ve ever wanted and dreamed about is being a mummy, so what do you do when that dream is in doubt?

It’s not physically impossible for me to have a baby now but it’s not medically recommended at the moment or before a transplant. I’m also not married and neither do I have a partner. I am not afraid to be a single parent, it's just, who would the child live with while I went through life threatening surgery? A child can not be moved from friend to friend, they need stability and structure. Furthermore, I’m going to face the biggest challenge of my life, both mentally and physically – is it really fair to put a child through that as well, just to satisfy a selfish desire of my own?

I left Newcastle with no more answers than when I arrived. I’m now more knowledgeable about transplants and the risks. The latter I can reel off to you, but that doesn't make me an expert or earn me a gold star 🌟. Knowing all the information, I just can’t put even more pressure on my incredible tiny ticker – it works hard enough keeping me going day-to-day. I’m therefore left with only one option and that’s to wait until after the transplant to see if I’m physically able to carry a baby.

Nonetheless, the feeling of loss is unbearable. I’m grieving something I don’t even have but somehow feel entitled to. I’m cross I was not told earlier, cross with the consultants, hospital, system, everyone associated with this whole ordeal – when in fact there is no one to blame! This is life. I’m struggling to find a purpose and a direction.

I’ve started looking into freezing my eggs, because I am hopeful that one day my wish will come true even if I don’t carry my child myself. The sad reality that I will never feel a baby kick, never have morning sickness or be able to wear dungarees while pregnant is slowly sinking in. I find I dream of an ideal life, hunky hubby, dog, kids, but when I wake up, there is no laughter or chatter and I’m faced with the sad reality once again. I notice children a lot more now, is that strange? Maybe. Or maybe it’s because children are never far from my thoughts.

I know I’m not alone with this. There are thousands of women who struggle to have children for many reasons. And I also know there are other ways to make life meaningful.

But before I know anything for certain, my plan is going to be this: be quietly optimistic, whilst also realistic. It is not impossible to have a baby after a heart transplant, although it is much more complicated. I’ve got to survive the transplant first, then I can allow myself to think about having children. 

I can’t write any more right now, but a HUGE shout out to all those women who are facing any kind of baby struggles. You're not alone, you are beautiful and you are fabulous. Remember this quote by Winston Churchill: “if you're going through hell, keep going”. 💕