What happened when I went to hospital to be assessed for a transplant
Sunday evening mummy and I arrived up “in the toon” to spend this week being assessed for a possible heart transplant, or to have a better idea of what’s to come.
I honestly don’t think any leaflets, telephone calls or prior conversations could prepare anyone for this week. You are given a lot of information, I’m only on my second day and my brain feels like it is going to explode. There are no definitive answers yet and more tests are needed before the next step can be discussed.
I think one of the hardest things is being faced with your own mortality and realising that you are probably not going to achieve everything that you assumed you would be able to. The fight I’m beginning to have between my brain and my body, I want to do more but my body won’t let me and the frustration that everything is more complicated due to the heart I have and the previous open heart surgeries, as well as all the risks associated with different operations.
I thought I’d be more afraid but I have a calmness that I can’t explain. I have faith which I believe helps but it’s more than that. I desperately want to live! I want to see my nieces, nephews and godchildren grow up, be there at their 21st parties and weddings. It sounds crazy but memories become something I’m fixated on. Fear is a constant and haunts me when I’m alone. The fear of dying in a hospital bed which is perfectly possible and of becoming a distant memory to all those I love.
Yet amongst all this horrendous despair I have determination, hope, dreams and willpower. My stubbornness shines through. I will be fine and I will conquer this! I truly believe you're never given more than you can handle so these times are going to test me but not beat me. It’s test after test and information after more information but it’s helpful. Hideous but helpful, and hopeful. The doctors and nurses, transplant co-ordinators, consultants and porters are just incredible and without their continued support, smiles and laughter this week would be much harder. The biggest thank you goes to my incredible mummy whom I admire so much. Your strength and silent determination is inspirational.
I will fill you all in on all tests later on but for now I just need time to process everything. Thank you for your support 💕. I’m so so grateful xxxx
I honestly don’t think any leaflets, telephone calls or prior conversations could prepare anyone for this week. You are given a lot of information, I’m only on my second day and my brain feels like it is going to explode. There are no definitive answers yet and more tests are needed before the next step can be discussed.
I think one of the hardest things is being faced with your own mortality and realising that you are probably not going to achieve everything that you assumed you would be able to. The fight I’m beginning to have between my brain and my body, I want to do more but my body won’t let me and the frustration that everything is more complicated due to the heart I have and the previous open heart surgeries, as well as all the risks associated with different operations.
I thought I’d be more afraid but I have a calmness that I can’t explain. I have faith which I believe helps but it’s more than that. I desperately want to live! I want to see my nieces, nephews and godchildren grow up, be there at their 21st parties and weddings. It sounds crazy but memories become something I’m fixated on. Fear is a constant and haunts me when I’m alone. The fear of dying in a hospital bed which is perfectly possible and of becoming a distant memory to all those I love.
Yet amongst all this horrendous despair I have determination, hope, dreams and willpower. My stubbornness shines through. I will be fine and I will conquer this! I truly believe you're never given more than you can handle so these times are going to test me but not beat me. It’s test after test and information after more information but it’s helpful. Hideous but helpful, and hopeful. The doctors and nurses, transplant co-ordinators, consultants and porters are just incredible and without their continued support, smiles and laughter this week would be much harder. The biggest thank you goes to my incredible mummy whom I admire so much. Your strength and silent determination is inspirational.
I will fill you all in on all tests later on but for now I just need time to process everything. Thank you for your support 💕. I’m so so grateful xxxx
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